“Feelings Are Not Facts”: Why This Mantra Can Be Dangerous
- Karen Di Gloria
- Oct 16
- 4 min read
I was once in a relationship with someone who was in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. At the same time, I was working with tools given to me by a shaman for my own trauma healing.
Our approaches did not match up.
One day, I brought up feelings that surfaced around my mother. His response? In a sharp, snappy tone:
“Feelings are not facts.”
Basically, I was told to shut it down.
And it hit me like a wall: How do you grow with a partner if you are not allowed to unpack and unravel what is coming up for you? How can there be a safe space for transformation if feelings must be dismissed the moment they rise? How is that love and kindness?
The Pattern Behind the Phrase
As painful as it was, I eventually realized: he wasn’t the origin of this wound. He was the pattern repeating right in front of my face.
As a child, my feelings were always shut down. My dad would say, “Let’s change the subject, you’re getting upset.” My mom would get flustered and frustrated, cutting me off with, “I don’t want to hear it.”
The message was clear: her problems were more important, and my feelings didn’t matter.
So when my partner snapped, “Feelings are not facts,” he was echoing the exact script I grew up with. I had called the pattern back into my life again — not to torture me, but to give me another chance to see it, face it, and finally hand it over to God.
The Mantra Problem
There are countless statements that get repeated like mantras in spiritual and recovery circles. On the surface, they sound neat and tidy. They give a sense of control. But in reality, they flatten something far more layered and complex.
“Feelings are not facts” is one of those phrases. And used carelessly, it can actually be dangerous to emotional and spiritual maturity.
Because here’s the truth:
Yes, feelings may not always describe external reality with accuracy.
But they are still facts of your internal reality.
To throw them away is to silence your nervous system, your intuition, your body’s wisdom.
A Better Way to Hold Feelings
Instead of dismissing feelings, we can meet them with curiosity. Here’s how:
1. Notice the Feeling
Say it out loud or name it: “I feel anxious,” “I feel angry,” “I feel sad,” “I feel less than,” “I feel not enough.”
Naming validates that this is real inside you.
Then take it one step further: gently speak to the part of you that feels this way — the ego, the child, the old pattern inside — and say:
“It’s okay for you to feel this way.”
In that allowance, you release the need to control or shut it down. And when you no longer cling to managing it, you open the space to hand it to God.
2. Follow the Thread
Instead of stopping at the surface feeling, get curious: Where have I felt this before?
Does the sadness tie back to a childhood moment of rejection?
Does the anger echo an earlier experience of abandonment?
Does the “not enough” feeling connect to shame or inadequacy planted years ago?
Often, the intensity of the present emotion isn’t about what’s happening now — it’s about the fracture point where the original wound was laid down. Following the thread takes you closer to the root, where true healing can occur.
3. Differentiate Signal from Story
Signal = raw sensation/emotion in the body.
Story = the meaning you attach to it.
By tracing back to the root, you may find that today’s story (“they don’t care about me”) is really tied to an older story (“my needs don’t matter”). This recognition keeps you from discarding the signal while also loosening the grip of the old narrative.
4. Validate the Wisdom
Ask: What is this feeling — and this memory — trying to tell me? Is it asking for compassion, release, or integration?
5. Check External Reality
This is the only place “feelings are not facts” can be useful. Test the story against what’s actually happening. But do this without discarding the feeling itself, or the deeper wound it may be pointing you toward.
6. Respond, Don’t React
Hold both truths:
Your feeling is real and worthy.
The external story may need adjusting.
That’s maturity. That’s growth.
Why This Matters Spiritually
If we keep bypassing, if we keep dismissing emotions as “not facts,” we rob ourselves of the very material our soul is trying to work with.
Feelings are the raw clay of transformation. They are the doorways to self-knowledge, healing, and deeper connection. To love someone (including yourself) is to create space where those feelings can be witnessed, not shut down.
So next time you hear “feelings are not facts,” pause.
Remember:
Feelings may not always tell you about the outside world,
But they always tell you the truth about your inner world.
And that truth is the path to real love, real kindness, and real growth.
If any part of this touched something inside you, I’d love to know.
Leave a comment, share it with someone who might need it, or simply tap the heart if you're reading this on a platform that allows it.
If this moved you, consider subscribing to Divine Soul Letters to receive soul nourishment straight to your inbox.
Just click the button below — your presence here truly means something real.
In compassion and clarity,
Karen Di Gloria 💜
Comments